Bug's Bleat - - GCF: The Wisdom of Children

Volume 9, Issue 05 Friday, February 02, 2007

Hello All,

Attention “Ham” Radio Operators: Effective February 15, 2007, the FCC is dropping all Code tests. Technicians automatically become Technician Plus. Technicians can update to General licenses by passing Element 3 only. Extra Class Licenses can be obtained by passing Element 3 and Element 4.
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NOTE: I’ve checked this out and it’s true. “Bug”

A SPECIAL ONE TIME TAX CREDIT ON YOUR 2006 TAX RETURN

When it comes time to prepare and file your 2006 tax return, make sure you don’t overlook the federal excise tax refund credit. You claim the credit on line 71 of your form 1040. A similar line will be available if you file the short form 1040A. If you have family or friends who no longer file a tax return AND they have their own land phone in their home and have been paying a phone bill for years, make sure they know about this form 1040EZ-T.
What is this all about? Well the federal excise tax has been charged to you on your phone bill for years, since 1898 to fund the Spanish American War! It is an old tax that was assessed on your toll calls based on how far the call was being made and how much time you talked on that call. When phone companies began to offer flat fee phone service, challenges to the excise tax ended up in federal courts in several districts of the country.
The challenges pointed out that flat fee/rate phone service had nothing to do with the distance and the length of the phone call. Therefore, the excise tax should/could not be assessed.
The IRS has now conceded this argument. Phone companies have been given notice to stop assessing the federal excise tax as of Aug 30, 2006. You will most likely see the tax on your September cutoff statement, but it should NOT be on your October bill. But the challengers of the old law also demanded restitution. So the IRS has announced that a one time credit will be available when you and I file our 2006 tax return as I explained above. However, the IRS also established limits on how BIG a credit you can get. Here's how it works.
If you file your return as a single person with just you as a dependent, you get to claim a $30 credit on line 71 of your 1040.
If you file with a child or a parent as your dependent, you claim $40.
If you file your return as a married couple with no children, you claim $40.
If you file as married with children, you claim $50 if one child, $60 if two children.
In all cases, the most you get to claim is $60 - UNLESS you have all your phone bills starting AFTER Feb 28, 2003 through July 31, 2006 (do not use any bills starting Aug 1, 2006.), then you can add up the ACTUAL TAX AS IT APPEARS ON YOUR BILLS AND CLAIM THAT FOR A CREDIT.
Now if you have your actual phone bills and come up with an ACTUAL TAX AMOUNT, you cannot use line 71 on your tax return. You have to complete a special form number 8913 and attach it to your tax return.
Individuals using the special from 1040EZ-T will have to attach this form 8913 also.
One final point - this credit is a refundable credit. That means you get this money, no matter how your tax return works out. If you would end up owing the IRS a balance, the refund will reduce that balance you owe.

If you end up getting a refund, the credit will be added and you get a bigger refund by that $30 to $60, depending on how many dependents are on your return.

Thanks to Norma Kay Rowe, Bobbie McClellan and all the others who told us about this.
~~~~~
Michael Yon thinks that there will be huge changes in Iraq this year.

“2007 is truly "the year" for Iraq, for various reasons, including the upcoming elections in the United States. Barring an asteroid strike on some major city, the war in Iraq will be the most important topic in 2007. It will also be one of the most under-reported.
There are two types of media sources covering this war: the ones who are here, and those who are not. The media is Missing In Action, and reporting from afar. Yesterday, for instance, major media reported on an attack in a small village north of Mosul. None of those sources actually visited the village. I did.
I'll bring home frontline information all year, or until something sends me home. Please support these dispatches by spreading the links.
Michael Yon”
http://www.michaelyon-online.com/wp/desolate-roads-part-2-of-2.htm
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Junk medicine: cervical cancer
Mark Henderson

We need the HPV vaccine now

It is not always understood that cervical cancer is usually caused by a sexually transmitted infection (STI). More than 70 per cent of cases are triggered by the human papillomavirus (HPV), a pathogen passed on during sex.
Last October, Gardasil, a vaccine against the four most damaging strains of HPV, was licensed. It will transform the prevention of the disease, which still kills 1,100 women a year in Britain despite a national screening programme. New research this week showed that vaccinating 70 per cent of girls would ultimately halve the incidence of cervical cancer. Further benefits are possible given a more expansive programme.
Gardasil sounds like the sort of medical advance to which it is impossible to object. But it has inspired surprising opposition, and not just from the irrational anti-vaccine lobby, which regards all immunization with grave skepticism. As HPV is sexually transmitted, the vaccine needs to be given to girls before they become sexually active to confer maximum protection. This has alarmed some religious groups, which argue that vaccinating at an early age will encourage teenage sex.
This objection is entirely specious. The HPV vaccine will protect against neither pregnancy nor STIs such as chlamydia or HIV, which will always be a more immediate concern. It is hard to imagine any 13-year-old deciding to have sex purely because she has been immunized against cancer. This is a campaign inspired by those who regard abstinence as the only acceptable answer to STIs and teenage pregnancy.
At least parents do not seem to be buying it: a poll for Cancer Research UK has found that 75 per cent of mothers want the vaccine for their daughters, with only 12 per cent worried that it might make them more likely to have sex.
Yet, while the US, Australia and several European countries have wasted no time in including Gardasil in national immunization plans, the Government committee that will consider the issue here will not even meet until next month. Even if it recommends it to ministers, it is touch and go whether vaccinations could possibly begin during the next school year.
Such a delay would expose thousands of girls to unnecessary risk. While the smear test program has done much to prevent death from cervical cancer — it is estimated to save 4,500 lives a year — there are signs that it is becoming a victim of its own success. As the disease has become less visible, some women are becoming more complacent about it. New figures released on Monday showed that take-up rates among women aged 25 to 29 — the most vulnerable group — have fallen from nearly 80 per cent in 1995 to 69 per cent last year. Vaccination will not replace the need for screening, but it will ensure that fewer women slip through the safety net.
So, too, would another potentially controversial measure: giving the vaccine to boys as well as to girls. While cervical cancer does not affect men, HPV does, and they can pass it on to infect their partners. Immunizing both sexes would eliminate 91 per cent of HPV cancers, compared with 78 per cent for girls alone. The logic is the same as vaccinating boys against rubella, which causes birth defects if contracted during pregnancy. It reduces the pool of individuals in whom the virus might be circulating, protecting women who cannot be vaccinated.
Adding boys to the program would make it much more expensive. The cost per year of life saved would be £23,000, against £2,400 if only girls were covered. Even the higher figure, however, is well below the NHS cost-effectiveness threshold of £30,000. If there is room for sensible debate about Gardasil, this is where it lies. The only question that the NHS should be asking about this vaccine is not whether it should provide it, but how.
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National Wild Turkey Federation banquet scheduled for March 3rd.
For tickets call Mike Skinner , Pat Hammock (South plant) and David
Kirkpatrick ( West plant)
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Have you ever tried to head off a craving by eating something else … and then ended up giving in to your craving anyway? Let’s say you’re craving chocolate, but you have a banana instead. That doesn’t satisfy you, so you have a bowl of cereal. Finally, in frustration, you eat a large bowl of chocolate ice cream.
Next time, acknowledge your craving right off the bat. You could have a lower-calorie version of what you’re craving (for example, have that banana but cover it with fat-free chocolate syrup) or a small portion of the real thing (such as one very good chocolate truffle). You’ll save calories and be more satisfied.
Dietwatch.com
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THIS IS GREAT. CHECK IT OUT. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE BIBLE HAS A SPECIAL VERSE FOR EVERYONE'S BIRTHDAY? CHECK YOURS OUT NOW!! http://www.mybirthverse.com/
Thanks to Norma Kay Rowe
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Rapid Deployment Kits (RDKs) that people like you have helped provide are making such a difference in the lives of our men and women in uniform. I'll let the following letters from American troops speak for themselves:

"(In Iraq), the Bible in my Rapid Deployment Kit was the one I had, the only one. Times when we were reading our Bible, the ones we got in our Kits, it was all the guys sitting around, reading, and it was a big comfort to have that to read before missions, or even unwinding in our bunks at the end of the day."
"There are no 7-Elevens over there where you can just stop in and pick up a Bible. It's a good service that the Military Ministry is providing; giving the RDKs to everybody over there; especially times when we need a source of faith, and we may not get it elsewhere."
Praise God that the lives of thousands of soldiers have been touched for Christ! Each RDK includes a camouflage New Testament, a 90-day devotional, and a Would You Like to Know God Personally? booklet that clearly presents the Gospel - all packaged in a waterproof plastic bag small enough to fit into a soldier's pocket.
Since September 2001, RDKs have been put into the hands of more than one million American troops giving them the spiritual answers they're looking for as many face life and death situations daily.
But, as I shared above, there is still more to do. Campus Crusade for Christ's Military Ministry continues to receive requests for approximately 20,000 RDKs each month. While many requests arrive from military chaplains, we are also getting emails like this one sent just this month:
"My husband is in the Marine Corps and is serving in Iraq for the next few months. I was wondering if I could submit the names and addresses of all of his team and company with my donation, to send them RDKs specifically. I would love to see all of his team turn to God for salvation."
These Kits - filled with New Testaments, daily devotionals, and evangelistic tracts — truly are one of the best ways to reach service members for Christ.
Please remember it takes just $3.25 to get an RDK into the hands of a service member, so anything you could give would make a difference. Just visit: http://give2.ccci.org/featured/rdk-email

Thank you so much for helping to reach our men and women in uniform.

Blessings in Christ,

Megan Hawkes
Director, Donor Relations
Campus Crusade for Christ, International
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19th Annual Magnolia Blossom Festival & World Championship Steak Cook-Off
May 18 - May 19, 2007
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The photos on the front of this weeks “Bleat” include Annette, Sandy, Kevin, David and Vanessa 1980 and one of our firefighters demonstrating ventilation in the late ‘80s.
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Don’t forget to check out www.mcc2000.net
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We’ve now got several addresses on the web for "Da Bleat." For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com
Our photos are posted at http://www.bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com.
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Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
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www.aaa.com Regular
Current Avg. $ 1.97
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/
Albemarle Employee’s pump $1.99
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Recipe(s) of the week - We’re sharing recipes from Shannon Voigt’s Taylor Recipe Book
This week’s recipe comes from Dietwatch.com

Salmon Fillets on a Bed of Winter Greens
with a Provencal Tomato Sauce

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cooking Time: 12 minutes, additional time required to simmer tomato sauce

Ingredients


6 salmon fillets
1 clove garlic, minced
1 cup chopped yellow onion
1 cup chopped fennel
½ cup broth or fish stock
½ cup white wine
1/8 teaspoon saffron threads
1-1/2 cups diced tomatoes, drained
1/4 cup orange juice
½ teaspoon fennel seeds
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
2 teaspoons orange zest
12 cups washed picked leaves of chard, spinach and kale
8-10 leaves basil, chiffonade

Method

Wilt the garlic, onion and fennel with the broth in a heavy-bottomed pan over low heat. Heat the wine and saffron together in a small pan and cook it until it is like syrup. Add the tomatoes to the onion mixture and cook one minute before adding the juice, fennel seeds, salt and pepper. Cook until the flavors have mellowed 15-20 minutes at least. Add the saffron with the liquid and the orange rind, cook for a few minutes, cover and set aside.

Blanch the well-washed greens in plenty of salted water until completely wilted. Remove to a colander and heat a large sauteuse, coat it with nonstick spray and sauté greens until much of the liquid is cooked off.

Meanwhile lightly spray a cast iron skillet or griddle with nonstick spray. Place the fillets flesh side down onto the hot griddle and turn the flame to medium. When the fish becomes light pink more than halfway through the fillet turn it over onto the skin side. Continue to cook a couple more minutes while you get your plates ready.

Spread a generous serving of greens on the plate and lay your salmon on top. Ladle the sauce across the fillet on the diagonal and garnish with the basil chiffonade. This dish goes great with roasted red potatoes and good garlic bread.

Yield: 6 servings
Per Serving (10 oz): Calories 258; Fat 9.5 g; Saturated Fat 2.2 g; Cholesterol 58 mg; Sodium 578 mg; Carbohydrate 13 g; Dietary Fiber 4.5 g; Sugar 2.2 g; Protein 28 g; Vitamin A 669 RE; Vitamin C 86 mg; Calcium 124 mg; Iron 3.4 mg. This recipe is 33% fat.
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Chris Leishman began her cooking career at Greens Restaurant, the renowned vegetarian restaurant in San Francisco. Her interest in health and nutrition eventually led her to UCSF Medical Center where she was the Recipe Development Coordinator for both the patient and retail food service. She led cooking classes for the Outpatient Weight Management group, the Heart Disease Reversal Program, and Millberry Student Program. Her work for Dr. Dean Ornish's Heart Disease Reversal Program led to the publication of her cookbook Recipes From the Heart.
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BreakPoint
With Chuck Colson

A Cut-and-Paste Ruling
2/2/2007
Judging Intelligent Design

Judge John Jones once told the Philadelphia Inquirer that he became a judge hoping that someday he would have a chance “to rule in matters of great importance.”

Well, last year he got his chance. He ruled on Kitzmiller v. Dover, holding that you could not teach intelligent design in public schools. But given what’s leaked out about his decision, Judge Jones is not likely to be remembered as “an outstanding thinker,” as Time magazine called him. Instead, we might remember him as the judge who let a litigant write his opinion.

Maybe I am an idealist, but going back to law school, I have always respected judges. I believe they take seriously their oath to uphold the laws and the Constitution and to rule impartially. Sad to say, this judge apparently did not.

Maybe I should not have been surprised because, two months before the case was heard, the judge said in a newspaper interview that he was going to go see Inherit the Wind, the old film about the Scopes trial, hopelessly biased toward the evolutionists’ view. He said he wanted to do it to get a context for hearing the Dover case. I wrote him and explained that it is historically inaccurate; he never replied.

Now it turns out that even as the media was praising Judge Jones for his brilliant insights, the Discovery Institute found that ACLU attorneys had actually written key sections of the ruling. In the section on intelligent design, more than 90 percent “was taken virtually verbatim from the ACLU’s proposed ‘Findings of Fact and Conclusions of Law’,” so says the Discovery Institute.

Thus, as the Discovery Institute notes, the central part of the ruling reflects no original, deliberative activity or independent examination of the record on the judge’s part.

And that’s not all. The problem when you let somebody else write your decision is that they may make a mistake. And you, then, look silly.

For example, Jones misrepresented biochemist Michael Behe; he claimed that Behe said that articles purporting to explain the evolution of the immune system were not good enough. But what Behe actually said was: “It’s not that they aren’t good enough. It’s simply that they are addressed to a different subject.” This came right out of the ACLU’s writings.

Jones also claimed that intelligent design “is not supported by any peer-reviewed . . . publications.” Again, wrong and, again, straight from the ACLU’s brief.

This, it turns out, is not even the first time or maybe the worst of Judge Jones passing off other people’s words as his own. In a commencement address, he “employed direct quotations from the book The Founding Fathers and the Place of Religion in America,” according to World magazine, “without providing citation or indication that he was quoting.”

As World magazine noted, none of what Judge Jones did in the Dover decision amounts to a violation of judicial ethics. But other judges will hardly be impressed, which is a good thing since the press are saying this is a precedent for future cases.

The Old Testament warns judges: “You shall not pervert justice; you shall not show partiality.” Cutting and pasting from one side’s brief does not say much for impartiality—something for you to point out next time someone throws the Dover decision in your face.

“Questions and Answers about Intelligent Design and Academic Freedom” from the Discovery Institute includes “Teach the Controversy” by Stephen C. Meyer and “Top Questions about Intelligent Design, Scientific Challenges to Darwinian Evolution, and Science Education Policy.”

For Further Reading and Information

Chuck Colson’s “Ten Questions about Origins” is a great resource for students to use in raising questions in science class.

“‘Masterful’ Federal Ruling on Intelligent Design Was Copied from ACLU,” Discovery Institute, 12 December 2006.

Mark Bergin, “Aped Decision,” World, 23 December 2006.

Amy Worden, “Bad Frog Beer to ‘Intelligent Design’,” Philadelphia Inquirer, 16 October 2005.

See Discovery Institute’s Dover Intelligent Design Trial Information page.

David K. DeWolf, John G. West, Casey Luskin, and Jonathan Witt, Traipsing into Evolution: Intelligent Design and the Kitzmiller vs. Dover Decision (Discovery Institute, 2006).

Gina Dalfonzo, “Faith and Science Together: Some Thoughts on Origins, Part 1,” and “Part 2,” The Point, 31 January and 1 February 2007.

BreakPoint Commentary No. 060515, “Science and Democracy: What Scientists Can’t Tell Us.”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050525, “What’s the Big Secret?: Intelligent Design in Pennsylvania.”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 051025, “Inheriting a Myth: The Need for Monkey Business.”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 051221, “Down But Hardly Out: Intelligent Design and the Courts.”

Regis Nicoll, “The Science of Design,” parts one, two, and three, BreakPoint Online.

“The Design Revolution”—Dr. William Dembski discusses the state of the intelligent design movement and his book The Design Revolution. This CD also includes a lecture by Dr. Dembski on intelligent design.

The BreakPoint Web site and BreakPoint WorldView Magazine feature Colson’s commentaries as well as feature articles by other established and up-and-coming writers to equip readers with a biblical perspective on a variety of issues and topics.
© 2004-2006 Prison Fellowship
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Words of the Week:
conflate: to bring together; to meld.
maunder: to talk or wander aimlessly.
gadabout: one who roams about in search of amusement or social activity.
cohort: a group; also, a companion or associate.
homily: a sermon or lecture; also, an inspirational saying or a platitude.
pellucid: transparent, clear; also, easily understandable.
moribund: dying.
from Dictionary.Com
~~~~~
"All the lessons of history in four sentences:
Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad with power.
The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small.
The bee fertilizes the flower it robs.
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Charles Beard

"Difficulties strengthen the mind, as does labor the body." - Seneca

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." - Johann von Goethe

"Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness only that gives every thing its value." - Thomas Paine

"Individuality is the aim of political liberty. By leaving to the citizen as much freedom of action and of being, as comports with order and the rights of others, the institutions render him truly a freeman. He is left to pursue his means of happiness in his own manner." - James Fenimore Cooper
None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. - Johann Wolfgang van Goethe

"Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood." - Maya Angelou
~~~~~
BREAKING CHRISTIAN NEWS
http://breakingchristiannews.com/

# New Video Program Documents Phenomenon of Muslims Converting to Christ after Experiencing Dreams and Visions of Him
# Stats: for Soldiers Injured in Combat Today the Survival Rate is 90 Percent or Higher
# Officer Says Our Troops in Iraq are Driven by Sense of "Incredibly Important Mission"
# New Survey Says British Youth Are Willing To Hear About Religion, Especially Christianity

# Parents, Grandparents Push Back California No-Spanking Bill for Now
# What Racial Divide? Forgiveness and Love Extended to Visiting Parents of Arsonist Who Burned Church
# President Bush Attends National Prayer Breakfast
# Super Bowl Coaches Determined to Use Their Historic, Worldwide Platform to Express Their Faith in Christ

# Intercession Superhighway Launched: PeoplePray.com is a Global Prayer Website
# Two "Powerful" New Books Dismiss Global Warming as Being Caused by Humans
# Former "Explicit" Material Addict a Living Testimony That Deliverance is Possible
# Pro-Family Advocates in Virginia Prepare Bill to Reform No-Fault Divorce Laws

# Accuser Who Brought Down Pastor's Ministry Visits Church and is Surprised by His Welcome
# First African-American Super Bowl Coaches, both Believers, Make History during Black History Month
# South Dakota Will Try Again with a Newly Revised Bill to Ban Abortion
# Church of England to Use Songs by Irish Rockers U2, in its Services

# "France Will Always Stand by Israel" Says French Prime Minister
# Important Documents Detailing Connection of Christians with Jews in Establishment of State of Israel to Be Revealed in February
# Spanish Church Leader Exhorts Flock to Fearlessness in Face of Persecution
# Translation of Bible into Cheyenne Language Changes Lives

# "God heard my prayers," says Pakistani Christian Accused of Blasphemy
# District Court Rules to Allow "Choose Life" License Plates in Illinois
# Study Shows Online Prayer and Support Groups May Help Patients Cope with Breast Cancer
# First Christian Television Series by Tunisians, For Tunisians, Makes History

Breaking Christian News
310 2nd Ave SE
Albany, Oregon 97321
541-928-2642
E-mail
US Orders: 1-866-358-7426

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GCF: The Wisdom of Children

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus before it was sent.
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When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer.

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.

Stay away from prunes.

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.

Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.

Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Math Homework

Emailed to me from another humor list (Marty's Joke of the Day) -Tom To subscribe to Marty's Joke of the Day, send a blank email to: martysjotd-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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Parents are expected to participate in their children's education, and my friends were no exception. They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, whenever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew ran into the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom, great news! There were only three mistakes on my math homework," he announced.
"You made one, Dad made one and I made one!"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: An Irish Toast

Emailed to me from another humor list (Daily Humor) -Tom To subscribe to Daily Humor, send a blank email to: Daily-Humor-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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A guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?"

"That is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

"That's French toast."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Boss Prepared

Emailed to me from another humor list (You Make Me Laugh) -Tom To subscribe to You Make Me Laugh, send a blank email to: SUBSCRIBE-laugh@lists.crosswalk.com
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A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.

He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."

He received the following fax from his secretary:

"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."

_ ____________________________ _

GCF: The Defendant

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe
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The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I know people who are \ /
\ _/ fastidious. I also know people \_ /
/ / who are slowtidious. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I'd give my right arm \ /
\ _/ to be ambidextrous. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I don't exaggerate. \ /
\ _/ I just remember big. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / It's always darkest before \ \_/ ////
\ / the dawn. So if you're going to \ /
\ _/ steal the neighbor's newspaper, \_ /
/ / that's the best time. \ \
(((\ \>|_/ )_____________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / Why does Sea World have a \ \_/ ////
\ / seafood restaurant? I'm halfway \ /
\ _/through my fishburger and I realize\_ /
/ / that I could be eating a slow learner.\ \
_ ____________________________ _
| Thomas S. Ellsworth |
| tellswor@slonet.org |
| http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor |
|___________________________|
Stop for a visit, leave with a smile! To join Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.Com To leave Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.Com Or visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor/
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[GCFL.net] You're, um, Welcome

You know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network administrator.

So he dreads the voice mail message he gets from her one day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to it."

He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four years before. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything will be his fault.

Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he asks in the email.

The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged into my phone. Thanks for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time you were here!"

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.

(-:][:-)

[GCFL.net] Refinance Funny

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"

"No," I replied.

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"

"I really don't have any," I said.

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

Received from Martys Joke of the day.

(-:][:-)

[GCFL.net] Teenager Owners Manual

Copyright 2004 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her.

Received from W. Bruce Cameron.

(-:][:-)

-=+=-
Rate this funny at http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20060113
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You may have already seen this, but it is still good! - DR

Only in Louisiana- you have to love this lawyer - It's too good not to share!

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who had lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral..

The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual Letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.

Now the Pope, as I am sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?

Sincerely......"

He got the loan.

Thanks to Daphne Roberts
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JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed Some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?" Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The Pharmacist's' eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give You cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my License; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things Will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture And replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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REAL NEWSPAPER ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.

For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Thanks to Eddie Wilson
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Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.

He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole, Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE - you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie- jumping, den Knute parrot-shooting . and now Lars, hen-gliding "

Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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I know what Victoria 's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 40 can fit into their stuff.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control l pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him!

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are : eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.

"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep > during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of >her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head WA s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with > her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!” she said frostily.

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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Reasons to Smile

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website.

*Mother's Intuition*

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew.

I said, "What do I do if he cries?"

She said, "Give him some vegetables."

It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.

(-:][:-)

*Birthday Surprise*

A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well.

"My wife likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I thought I'd give her these autographed copies for a birthday present."

"A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author.

"I'll say," agreed the customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac."

(-:][:-)

*24 Pigs*

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina.

A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.

"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs.

Twice the number there are in the jury box."

(-:][:-)

*Tired Mom*

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.

The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"

"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."

(-:][:-)

*IRS Audit*

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"That's wonderful!" returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

(-:][:-)

Eye Laugh

"Who Let Them Out?"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=95

"Fork Lift Safety"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw308

"Little Bird"
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw305

"Confirmation"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=118

"Cat and Dog Agents"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g06.php?id=120

(-:][:-)

-=+=-
Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2004 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.
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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/haplesshome.html - - The road to buying a house is paved with dwindling bank accounts, devious brokers, and home owners who (you hope) are desperate to sell. Yes, it's a challenge. But with the help of these easy to follow instructions, you can negotiate your way into unthinkable debt.

1. Decide you must buy a house because your present one is:
a. too small;
b. too large;
c. non-existent.

2. Review monthly budget. Go over it again. Accuse each other of fiscal malfeasance. Curse invention of cash machine. Figure how much you'd save by giving up meals.

3. Calculate what you can afford to pay. Promise yourselves not to exceed it by thirty grand.

4. Choose where you'd like to live. Check real estate ads. Call a few brokers. Select more realistic locale.

5. Meet with highly touted broker. Wonder if he ever sold used cars.

6. Advise broker of preferences about neighborhood, school system, house type, cost. Watch him laugh.

7. Tell broker the top price you're willing to pay. Make the mistake of being honest. Spend the next month looking at houses $50,000 over budget.

8. Switch brokers.

9. Spend two weekends scouting houses within your means. Houses that would give any self-respecting slumlord a bad name. Tell broker you won't buy a handyman's special, unless it comes with a handyman.

10. Up ante by $15,000. Decide you can swing extra cost by giving up luxuries ... like heat.

11. Tour houses only a bit better than those you saw before. Houses that are about to fall down. Houses that have never met paint.

12. Realize you can afford a nicer home only if you borrow from relatives. Think about consequences. Decide to do it anyway.

13. Visit a house that's smaller than you want and on the wrong side of the tracks, but that somehow feels right. Just as you're about to commit, realize you've been duped by the aroma of apple pie.

14. Take breather from house hunting. Reevaluate your home. Wonder whether you can stay there after all, if you knock down a wall and throw out everything you own.

15. Return to first broker and tell him your new top price. This time he only giggles.

16. Spend weeks looking at houses while interest rates rise. Hate them all. (Houses and rates.) Quarrel with spouse over whether to compromise. Then, just as both of you are about to give up, find house of your now modified dreams.

17. Wonder if you can afford it even with loans from both pairs of parents. Conclude you can't unless you each get a twenty percent raise. Decide to buy it anyway.

18. Call broker. Find out that five minutes ago another couple put deposit on the house. Cry. Blame broker. Blame spouse. Blame sellers. Blame conniving buyer who stole your home. Buy voodoo doll and put hex on sale.

19. Voodoo works -- the house is yours. Call attorney, parents, many banks. Review personal property that comes with house. Become obsessed by ancient curtains the sellers refuse to leave behind.

20. Be persuaded not to kill deal despite curtain calamity. Sign contract. Apply for mortgage. Spend your days hoping the loan will come through ... and your nights hoping it won't.

21. Hire an inspector to check out house. Find out termites have been feasting on it for years.

22. Order title search. Learn that a piece of the driveway's on public land. Learn that a neighbor's fence is on your future land. Worry. Learn there's no reason to worry. Wonder why you bothered with a title search.

23. Qualify for mortgage. Celebrate. Suddenly realize there's no way out.

24. Arrange for closing, insurance, movers, utility hook-up, phone installation. Remind parents about loans. Deal with their second thoughts ... and yours.

25. Do final inspection. Argue about whether the water stain you just noticed was always there. Discover that what you thought was wall-to-wall carpeting, isn't.

26. Attend closing. Sign reams of paper you don't understand. Papers your lawyer says are "standard." Give lawyer money for valuable advice. Give sellers money. Give bank money. Give title insurer money. Ask if anyone wants your next born child. Leave with door prize -- a set of well-worn keys.

Now that you're a home owner, get ready for some surprises. A broken boiler. A roof that leaks. A washing machine that refuses to rinse. Pipes that clank in the middle of the night. So keep your wallet open. The check writing's just begun.

http://www.madkane.com
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)
Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:
http://www.madkane.com/email.html
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http://www.homeworkspot.com/ HomeworkSpot.com
HomeworkSpot.com is a free homework information portal that features the very best K-12 homework-related sites together with engaging editorial in one high-utility, educational spot.
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http://www.nationalatlas.gov/ National Atlas
If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a map is worth ten thousand. This is not like any atlas you remember. Maps of America are what you'll find and make on nationalatlas.gov. Maps of innovation and vision that illustrate our changing Nation. Maps that capture and depict the patterns, conditions, and trends of American life. This is nationalatlas.gov, and it shows us where we are. It allows you to use your imagination and, by probing and questioning, to choose the facts that fit your needs as you explore the American story.
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http://www.ourdocuments.gov/ Our Documents
To help us think, talk and teach about the rights and responsibilities of citizens in our democracy, we invite you to explore 100 milestone documents of American history. These documents reflect our diversity and our unity, our past and our future, and mostly our commitment as a nation to continue to strive to 'form a more perfect union.'
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http://hes.lbl.gov/ Home Energy Saver
The Home Energy Saver is designed to help consumers identify the best ways to save energy in their homes, and find the resources to make the savings happen. The Home Energy Saver was the first Internet-based tool for calculating energy use in residential buildings.
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http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/dnpa/obesity/index.htm Overweight and Obesity
During the past 20 years, obesity among adults has risen significantly in the United States. The latest data from the National Center for Health Statistics show that 30 percent of U.S. adults 20 years of age and older - over 60 million people - are obese. This increase is not limited to adults. The percentage of young people who are overweight has more than tripled since 1980. Among children and teens aged 6–19 years, 16 percent (over 9 million young people) are considered overweight.
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http://bartleby.com/107/ Anatomy of the Human Body
The Bartleby.com edition of Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body features 1,247 vibrant engravings - many in color - from the classic 1918 publication, as well as a subject index with 13,000 entries ranging from the Antrum of Highmore to the Zonule of Zinn.
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http://www.ilrg.com/ Internet Legal Research Group
A categorized index of more than 4000 select web sites in 238 nations, islands, and territories, as well as thousands of locally stored web pages, legal forms, and downloadable files, this site was established in 1995 to serve as a comprehensive resource of the information available on the Internet concerning law and the legal profession, with an emphasis on the United States of America. Designed for everyone, lay persons and legal scholars alike, it is quality controlled to include only the most substantive legal resources online.
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| Safety from the Heart |
-----------------------------------------------------
February 2, 2007
Natural Gas Leak

Today's Safety From the Heart message was submitted by Donald Banner

This morning the North area E&I Shop experienced a natural gas leak. There was an abandoned gas line in the ceiling that used to feed two gas heaters. The valve outside was closed, but leaking through. The level was much below the LEL for natural gas. Julian Smalls acquired a monitor that verified up to 240 parts per million. This was after the room was vented. We are in the process of capping it off outside the building.

One of the mechanics told me, "I kept thinking I might have smelled gas, but was not sure." With all the smells around us here, folks that have been here a long time may not be as sensitive to smells. Bottom line, if think you smell a gas leak, get a second opinion and take action.
_________________________________
| Safety from the Heart |
-----------------------------------------------------
FEBRUARY 1, 2007

Today's Safety From the Heart message was submitted by Debbie Felkel.

A shopping day gone bad……

Saturday morning was a beautiful day! The sun was shinning and the weather was absolutely perfect for taking my 84-year-old mom out for lunch and shopping in Columbia. Our first stop (and what would turn out to be our only stop) was Goody’s. I parked and we exited the car. We crossed the street, carefully looking both ways as we stepped onto the sidewalk and approached the store.

The next thing I remember is my Mom commenting on the sign in the window – “85% Off!” - I then felt the end of my shoe catch an uneven seam in sidewalk. I lost my balance and my body lunged forward, head first toward the sidewalk. I did all I could do to recover, to no avail. Down I went , sliding across the pavement, face first! The embarrassment alone was enough to make me want to run and hide but what I had done to myself wouldn’t allow me to do that. Blood was streaming from my forehead. The sunglasses that I was wearing dug into my brow cutting a small gash above my right eye. The side of my face, shoulder and knee were scraped. I ended up taking an ambulance ride to an Emergency Care Clinic where I received 3 stitches in my forehead.

Today all I have to show for my day of shopping is an extremely swollen black eye. After thinking about what had happened, I said a heartfelt Thank-you to God for protecting me. The results of my fall could have been much, much worse. I was very fortunate to have walked away with only a black eye and a wounded pride. It occurred to me how quickly life can change. It took only a few seconds to change a happy shopping day into an afternoon in the Emergency Room. (Not the way I had anticipated spending my Saturday!)

Life can be lost just as quickly. Our lives, health and well-being are worth the time that it takes to keep safety in the back of our minds at all times.
_________________________________
| Safety from the Heart |
-----------------------------------------------------
FEBRUARY 1, 2007
Feb 2 is National Wear Red Day!

Participate In National Wear Red DaySM

Everyone (men too!) can support the fight against heart disease in women by wearing red on February 2, 2007 — Go Red For Women DaySM. It's a simple, powerful way to raise awareness of heart disease and stroke. By joining together with thousands of women, companies and organizations, and cities across America, you'll help the American Heart Association support ongoing research and education about women and heart disease.
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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ. www.mcc2000.net
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GRANDMA'S CURES
Keep This Handy On The Fridge

Did You Know that drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer.
Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes ...
Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer ... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.
Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover .just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure ...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ...a powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. Kills fleas instantly

Kills fleas instantly...Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor ...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal
with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites ...All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief... It's not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly,
and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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For God so loV ed the world,
That He gA ve
His onL y
Begott E n
So N
T hat whosoever
Believeth I n Him
Should N ot perish,
But have E verlasting life."
John 3:16

Thanks to Jeanette Ford
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.
This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information enclosed in your newsletter and flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.
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TOURBUS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -:) - :)- :)
Volume 12, Number 26 --- 29 Jan 2007
Tourbus Home -- http://www.InternetTourbus.com
+---------------------------------------+
TODAY'S TOURBUS TOPICS: Skype / Bittorrent / Top 20

In today's TOURBUS, you'll learn how to make free phone calls all over the world, download movies with Bittorent, and then we'll take a look back at the Top 20 for 2006. Read on!

-------------------------
Free Calling With Skype
-------------------------

Skype is a software package that lets you make 100% legal, free calls to almost anyone, almost anywhere in the world. After trying Skype, you might be tempted to toss your existing phone and cut the phone company out of the loop. But there are some tradeoffs. Learn all about outbound and inbound Skype calls here:

http://askbobrankin.com/free_calls_with_skype.html

-----------------------------------
BitTorrent: Download or Low Down?
-----------------------------------

A reader concerned about "file sharing" asked me this:

"I've been told that I can download movies and even popular software for free using Bittorrent. Sounds too good to be true. What exactly is Bittorrent, is it legal, and safe to use?"

Depending on how many pencils you have in your pocket protector, BitTorrent is either a peer-to-peer protocol designed to deliver large files over the over the Net, or it's a software program that provides Internet users with downloadable digital content such as films, music, games, podcasts and software. Actually, BitTorrent is both.

The availability of copyrighted and pirated materials is rampant on BitTorrent, but that doesn't mean you can download your favorite movie or a free copy of Microsoft Office with impunity. Lawyers for the entertainment and software industry are becoming more aggressive when it comes to protecting their interests.

Learn how BitTorrent works, where to get the best BitTorrent client software, and educate yourself on the legal issues involved:
http://askbobrankin.com/download_with_bittorrent.html

-------------------------
The Top Twenty for 2006
-------------------------

Every so often I go through the Ask Bob server logs and see which articles were the most popular. Here is a sampling from the Top Twenty, ranked by readership volume, for the year 2006:

* HOW TO ADD YOUR OWN MUSIC AND SOUND CLIPS TO A MYSPACE PROFILE
http://askbobrankin.com/add_music_to_myspace.html

-----------------------------------------------------------
* LIBERATE YOUR ITUNES MUSIC BY CONVERTING TO MP3
http://askbobrankin.com/convert_itunes_to_mp3_format.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* CLEAN OUT THE CYBER-SLUDGE AND MAKE XP RUN LIKE NEW
http://askbobrankin.com/make_windows_xp_run_faster.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* GOT OLD VHS TAPES WASTING AWAY? TURN THEM INTO SHINY DVDs

http://askbobrankin.com/convert_vhs_to_dvd.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* RADAR DETECTORS: MY LITTLE FRIEND ON THE DASHBOARD

http://askbobrankin.com/radar_detectors.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* GET STARTED WITH LINUX - SOME HANDY TIPS

http://askbobrankin.com/linux_help.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* IS YOUR WIRELESS NETWORK SECURE?

http://askbobrankin.com/hide_your_ssid.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* ARE YOU READY TO CUT UP THE CREDIT CARD?

http://askbobrankin.com/cancel_your_credit_card.html

------------------------------------------------------------
* LEARN HOW MUCH YOUR (OR YOUR NEIGHBOR'S) HOUSE IS WORTH

http://askbobrankin.com/house_values.html

If you want to see the rest of the Top Twenty for 2006, pop on over to http://askbobrankin.com/the_top_twenty.html

+---------------------------------------+
That's all for now, see you next time! -- Bob Rankin
+---------------------------------------+

==[ Tourbus Rider Information ]==
The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238 Copyright 1995-2005, Rankin & Crispen - All rights reserved Tourbus News Service - http://tourbus.com/news.html Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the Tourbus Website - http://www.TOURBUS.com
========================
.~~~. ))
(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
/o o \/ .~
{o_, \ { crispen@netsquirrel.com
/ , , ) \ http://www.netsquirrel.com/
`~ -' \ } )) AOL Instant Messenger: Squirrel2K
_( ( )_.'
---..{____} Warning: squirrels.
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Activities and Events of Interest
~~~
19th Annual Magnolia Blossom Festival & World Championship Steak Cook-Off
May 18 - May 19, 2007
~~~
The Emancipation Proclamation will be on display at the Clinton Library September 22-25, 2007.
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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence
Justice first, then peace."
"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses
"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/

01. Pfc. Nathan P. Fairlie, 21, of Candor, N.Y., died of injuries suffered in Baqubah on Jan. 26 when an improvised explosive device detonated near his Bradley Fighting Vehicle during combat operations.
Fairlie was assigned to the 6th Squadron, 9th Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Jan 25 in Baghdad, Iraq, of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near their vehicle during combat operations. The soldiers were assigned to the 3rd Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Fort Carson, Colo. Killed were:
02. Sgt. Alexander H. Fuller, 21, of Centerville, Mass.
03. Pfc. Michael C. Balsley, 23, of Hayward, Calif.

04. Lance Cpl. Anthony C. Melia, 20, of Thousand Oaks, Calif., died Jan. 27 while conducting combat operations in Al Anbar province, Iraq. He was assigned to Battalion Landing Team 2nd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment, 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit (Special Operations Capable), I Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Pendleton, Calif.

05. Maj. Alan R. Johnson, 44, of Yakima, Wash., died Jan. 26 at Balad, Iraq, of wounds sustained when an improvised explosive device detonated near his Humvee at Muqdadiyah, Iraq, the same day. He was assigned to the 402nd Civil Affairs Battalion, Tonawanda, N.Y.

06. Spc. Carla J. Stewart, 37, of Sun Valley, Calif., died Jan. 28 in Tallil, Iraq, of injuries suffered when her convoy vehicle rolled over. Stewart was assigned to the 250th Transportation Company, El Monte, Calif.

07. Sgt. Mickel D. Garrigus, 24, of Elma, Wash., died Jan. 27 in Taji, Iraq, of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle during combat patrol. Garrigus was assigned to the 543rd Military Police Company, 91st Police Battalion, 10th Sustainment Brigade, 10th Mountain Division, Fort Drum, N.Y.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Jan 28 in Najaf, Iraq, of wounds suffered when their helicopter crashed during combat operations. They were assigned to the 4th Battalion, 227th Aviation Regiment, 1st Air Cavalry Brigade, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas. Killed were:
08. Capt. Mark T. Resh, 28, of Pittsburgh.
09. Chief Warrant Officer Cornell C. Chao, 36, of California.

The Department of Defense announced the death of three soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died Jan 27 in Taji, Iraq, of wounds suffered when an improvised explosive device detonated near their vehicle during convoy operations. They were assigned to the 2nd Battalion, 8th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 1st Cavalry Division, Fort Hood, Texas. Killed were:
10. Cpl. Timothy A. Swanson, 21, of San Antonio, Texas.
11. Pfc. Jon B. St. John II, 25, of Neenah, Wis.
13. Pfc. David T. Toomalatai, 19, of Long Beach, Calif.

14. Lance Cpl. Adam Q. Emul, 19, of Vancouver, Wash., died Jan. 29 from wounds received while conducting combat operations in Al Anbar province, Iraq. Emul was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 4th Marine Regiment, 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Twentynine Palms, Calif.

15. Gunnery Sgt. Terry J. Elliott, 34, of Middleton, Tenn., died Feb. 1 while conducting combat operations in Al Anbar province, Iraq. Elliott was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii.

16. Sgt. Alejandro Carrillo, 22, of Los Angeles, Calif., died Jan. 30 while conducting combat operations in Al Anbar province, Iraq. Carrillo was assigned to Combat Logistics Battalion 7, Combat Logistics Regiment 1, 1st Marine Logistics Group, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Twentynine Palms, Calif.

17. Hospitalman Matthew G. Conte, 22, of Mogadore, Ohio, died Feb. 1 while his unit was conducting combat operations against enemy forces in the Al Anbar Province, Iraq.
Conte was assigned to 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii serving as a hospital corpsman in Iraq under the command of I Marine Expeditionary Force (forward).

18. Cpl. Stephen D. Shannon, 21, of Guttenberg, Iowa, died Jan. 31, in Balad, Iraq, of wounds suffered when his vehicle was hit by a rocket during combat operations Jan. 30 in Ramadi, Iraq. Shannon was assigned to the 397th Engineer Battalion, Wausau, Wis.

19. Sgt. William M. Sigua, 21, of Los Altos Hills, Calif., died Jan. 31 in Bayji, Iraq, of wounds suffered when his unit came in contact with the enemy using small arms fire during combat operations. Sigua was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.

20. Sgt. Maj. Michael C. Mettille, 44, of West St. Paul, Minn., died Feb. 1 at Camp Adder, Iraq, from a non-combat related injury. Mettille was assigned to the 134th Brigade Support Battalion, Brooklyn Park, Minn.

~~~

Navy Aviator Missing In Action From the Vietnam War Identified

The Department of Defense POW/Missing Personnel Office (DPMO) announced today that the remains of a U.S. serviceman, missing in action from the Vietnam War, have been identified and will be returned to his family for burial with full military honors.

He is Navy Cmdr. Peter Mongilardi Jr., of Haledon, N.J. He will be buried on April 11 at Arlington National Cemetery near Washington D.C.

On June 25, 1965, Mongilardi departed the USS Coral Seain his A-4C Skyhawk on an armed reconnaissance mission over North Vietnam. His flight encountered bad weather and enemy fire over Thanh Hoa Province, causing the wingman to lose visual and radio contact with Mongilardi. Contact was never re-established and the aircraft failed to return to the carrier.

In 1993, a joint U.S.-Socialist Republic of Vietnam (S.R.V.) archival team, led by the Joint POW/MIA Accounting Command (JPAC), obtained information concerning the crash while researching documents, artifacts and photographs at the Central Army Museum in Hanoi. Later that year, another joint U.S./S.R.V. team conducted an investigation in Thanh Hoa Province. The team interviewed two local Vietnamese citizens who recalled the crash and said the pilot died in the impact. The men then led the team to the crash site.

In 1994, another joint team excavated the crash site and recovered human remains and pilot-related items, including a belt tip, boot heel, pieces of flight boot and other items worn by the pilot.

Among other forensic identification tools and circumstantial evidence, scientists from JPAC and the Armed Forces DNA Identification Laboratory also used nuclear DNA in the identification of the remains.

For additional information on the Defense Department’s mission to account for missing Americans, visit the DPMO Web site at http://www.dtic.mil/dpmo/ or call (703) 699-1169.

http://icasualties.org/oif/default.aspx
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Please remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families.
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Scheduled Activities
~~~
Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m. Union Street Station. And YOU'RE invited. Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.
~~~
MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.
~~~
MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second. Call 234-3225 for reservations.
~~~
MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.
~~~
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"It's no big deal doing what God tells you to do. A big deal would be NOT doing what God tells you to do. Just ask Jonah." - - Paul Troquille
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair
"Information is the currency of democracy." - Jefferson
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.

God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
1 Tim 4:12-14 Mark 4:15-20 Acts 16:26-30 http://www.e-min.org/
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E-mail at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. The latest issue is usually updated sometime Saturday. For the "Blog" version just go to one of the several addresses on the web. For the latest issue, go to http://www.bugsbleat.blogspot.com or http://www.bugsbleat3q06.blogspot.com. Older issues can be found at http://www.bugsbleatfirst.blogspot.com, http://www.bugsbleat1q.blogspot.com, http://www.bugsbleat3q05.blogspot.com, and http://www.bugsbleat4q05.blogspot.com. We also have a site [http://bugsbleatphotos.blogspot.com/] where we post photos that I like.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat".
If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2007 before it was sent.
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